I Give Up

Today was not a good day.  Mike invited two couples over to our house last week, and I guess I took cleaning the house for company a little too serious.  I don't know why I let the stress of company get to me, but I did.  I lost my temper.  Yesterday I spent a good part of the day washing windows, cleaning the kitchen, mopping floors, and cleaning bathrooms - only to wake up this morning with a list of more chores that needed to be done -  and my body ached! How does this house get so grimy when it feels like all I do is clean?  I try and look at my house as a visitor would, and then I'm able to see the grossness of it.  I admit, I was overwhelmed:  So much to do, and not enough time or energy.  After church we rushed home and again I started with the list I had in my head...the company would be here in 1-1/2 hours, and I still needed to make the food for company.  I didn't feel Mike was helping - as quickly as he should be, and I was picking up after him and the kids for at least the fifth time - it got to me, and I yelled at Gracie, making her cry.  Yes, I felt bad, but there were things that still needed to get done!  Is that OCD, or what?  Well, my attitude led Mike and I to fight, quite loudly.  Not something I'm proud of.  I'm overwhelmed, with life in general, and I guess it was the straw that broke the camel's back today.  Needless to say, the time spent with company was not all that enjoyable, neither was the rest of the day after they left (our house a disaster, again.).  Oh well.  Who the hell cares, right?  So, after the consequences of being overly concerned about the cleanliness of my house, and my life's stress, I've decided to give up.  I'm not going to worry about having a perfect house -  not that it ever is, but it is enough to make my brain be quiet.  I give up.  I've decided the happiness of myself and Gracie and Jacob is more important.   Because believe it or not, on my Thursday's, when I stay home, I spend most of my day cleaning, despite my children's begging to play outside or go on a walk.....but not anymore.  I haven't figured out how to quiet the voices in my head that won't rest until I feel comfortable my house is "clean", but I will!!  No more.  So, if you come over and see dishes piled up, and mold growing, just be happy for me!  Know that I feel no stress and am FINALLY enjoying the important things..Gracie and Jake.   Who the hell cares, I give up.

Not That Great

I have sat down at least three times lately to write a new blog - and half-way through I get interrupted.  It seems my kids are unable to play by themselves for longer than 3 minutes at a time.  This frustrates me!  Which leads me to the point of this blog:

Is it normal that I don't like my children at times?  Is there such a thing as "burn-out", like eating too much of something, with your own children? I know this sounds just awful, and I don't like feeling this way, but I find myself needing my own "time-out" in the midst of dealing with the drama, fighting, whining, and demands.  I have to look into their eyes and see the precious little soul there, and close my eyes and listen to their sweet voices (when they aren't whining) - than I can't help but love them - but my patience are thin and I'm drained.  I've tried to analyze what the real reason is for my lack of patience and the stress I feel - but can't think of anything that really bothers me.  I started going to a woman's Bible study on Monday nights, and I think maybe this will help my sour attitude.  We are going to be studying the book of Ruth for the next 10 weeks - and the theme is "It's Hard Being A Woman".....yeah, this is probably just what I need.  An attitude adjustment.  So I think I'm being prepared for what the Bible study is going to show me - feeling like this makes me realize I need God, constantly.   

But at least I've been able to finish a blog this evening - that's a step in the right direction.   

The pictures are from our recent camping trip.