Okay, you've been warned, so if you're still reading I assume you aren't easily offended! Please continue:
The day started off as any other normal weekday, except it was Friday, which doesn't matter much until 4:00pm, because it's still work as usual. I hit the snooze button every five minutes for 30 minutes, and finally dragged my tired butt out of bed at 6:30am. I slumped into the kitchen to scrounge a clean coffee cup, and poured myself a great big cup of black coffee. Nodded to Mike, who was sitting in his recliner in the living room, as I made my way back to the bedroom. Set my coffee on the window sill, and crawled back into bed to snuggle with Jacob for just one more minute.....3o minutes later I jumped out of bed and into the shower and quickly completed my routine: wash hair, condition hair, wash body, brush teeth, rinse hair. Nothing special today - didn't feel like shaving - I think I did that yesterday, or was it the day before? Got dressed, did makeup, blow-dried hair, got kids dressed, threw some leftover mac & cheese and two bananas into my purse for the kids' lunch...I don't think I fed them breakfast yet. Oh well, maybe they won't notice. Oh wait!...Gracie and Jacob did eat an apple for breakfast while they watched Arthur in my bed - the evidence is still there - chewed up bits of apple that Jacob had spit out, that now decorate my bed sheets. That will be nice to come home to tonight. No, I didn't have time to make my bed this morning, in case you were wondering.
I managed to make it to work "on time", somewhere between 8:30 and 9:00. My sister pulled into the parking lot just about the time I did and Jacob ran to greet her. I heard the birds chirping in the tree above and thought to myself what a good day it was going to be. My Mom happened to be walking through the parking lot between the warehouse and the office at the same time and stopped a second to chat. She mentioned something about having a doctor's appointment later in the afternoon.........
Uh, yeah, then it hit me. I had totally forgotten about my "annual appointment" that was scheduled for this morning at 10:30am. Geeze, these visits only happen once a year, am I really expected to remember them? Okay, so now the realization of what this really means begins to sink in...........
I haven't shaved my legs in a couple of days - let alone some other very important anatomy, I haven't had a pedicure in who know how long?, and I'm not mentally prepared for this - especially so early in the morning!
I start to form my plan: I'll leave work 10 minutes early. I'll run home and quickly shave my legs and "other areas", put some clean white socks in my purse (yucky feet, remember?), spray some nice smelling body spritz "all over", and do a quick inspection of the parts that will have center stage - making sure everything is squeaky-clean. This plan worked like a charm! I even managed to touch-up my lipstick and mascara - and still made it on time!
As I walked into the doctor's office, I felt pretty confident! I had faith that all my areas had been appropriately groomed and ready for inspection. I walked up to the receptionist's window, and Rachel gave me some paper work to fill out to update my file. I had only just sat down and found a pen in the bottom of my purse, when I heard my name being called. Wow! That was fast! It's my turn already! The nice little nurse escorted me to an evil apparatus, more frequently known as a scale, made record of my weight, and gestured me to follow her. Oh man! I hate this exam room she's leading me to. I don't know why, but I prefer the other room - but it looks as though it already has a guest.
She asks me to take a seat on the exam table while she asks the usual questions: "What form of contraception are you currently using?", "Are you taking any prescription drugs?", blah, blah. While she takes my blood pressure, we talk about her mom turning 50 and the surprise party she's throwing for her tonight, yeah okay, let's just get on with this! She instructs me to undress completely, put on the robe and please let the opening face the front, oh, and do I need to empty my bladder before my pap smear? "Sure", I reply, "Why not?" I walked the five steps out of my exam room to the restroom, and pee. I reach for some toilet paper and quickly think about how much effort I put into making sure my "parts" where "just so". As I think this thought, I also think how ironic it would be to have this toilet paper fall apart as I wipe and leave little bits of white tissue as souvenirs of my trip to pee. WHATEVER!....You know that's just what's happened! I sat there with legs spread open, looking at the mess I had just created, and said out loud "YOU'RE KIDDING ME? This did NOT just happen?" Okay, well, let's just clean it up and get out of here, I've got to get back to work, you know. But these evil bits of tissue aren't budging! They're stuck! I franticly grab another handful of dry toilet paper and try again. Ahhh! More bits! It looks like I just wiped my booty with a handful of dryer lint after a load of whites - this is just not acceptable. What am I going to tell my doctor during his examination? Is he going to look up at me over the sheet draped over my knees and sternly ask, "Audrey, do we need to talk about proper hygiene and sanitation?" I've only got 30 more seconds, at best, to be in the restroom, before my doctor and nurse start wondering what's taking me so long. I hop up from the toilet, waddle to the sink, grab a paper towel, get it wet in the sink, and hope for the best. I think it's working, but now I need to make sure there's none of this bastard tissue, that has given me a headache in the last 90 seconds, left behind. After all, just one little souvenir is an offender, right? So, my next mission - make sure everything is just as it was before this brilliant idea to pee - holy shit! - I didn't need to pee that bad anyway! With my pants at my ankles, I try to put my head between my legs to get a better view, but loose my balance and hit my head on the sink. This isn't going to end good, is it? "Okay, just breath", I tell myself, even though I've only got 15 seconds before I have GOT to make an exit. I've got an idea! I'll sneak a quick peak with my compact mirror when I go back to my exam room. Deal! I pulled up my pants, washed my hands, and walked out of the restroom. And yes, just as I thought, I could see my doctor out of the corner of my eye, standing at his station making notes, just 10 feet away from the restroom - and yes, he was waiting for me to go into my exam room - it was my turn.
Now, I know I have GOT TO HURRY! I have got to get undressed, put on my clean white socks, put on my gown, and grab the compact mirror out of my purse, sneak a peak, hop on the table, and act like everything is just fine! I am so worried he will walk in as I'm examining myself and say to me quite sympathetically, "Audrey, my dear, that's MY job!"
As I'm undressing, I remember last year's exam.....horrible memory......my doctor didn't give me enough time to get undressed, and walked in on me half-naked. Yeah, that was kinda awkward. So, I KNOW I must focus and remain cool to get this done. Thankfully, the damage control I'd done with the paper towel did the trick - Everything was just fine down there! I threw the mirror back in my purse and hopped up on the exam table - just in time.
After all this...after he's done with his job....I have to sit there, naked, making sure my gown is covering everything, and talk to him for 10 minutes, looking him in the eye no less, about the different options for birth control.
I tell you what, I sure hope this is building "character", because if it's not, it's just not worth it. And even though the morning started out "as usual", I pray this part of my day isn't any indication of the rest of the day...what else did I forget about?
